Struggles and Food Addiction

You might laugh.  You might even call me crazy.  But I am a binge eater and I am addicted to food.  I am addicted to the process of eating, the emotional attachment, the way it even makes me feel.  Food and I, We have a love hate relationship.  Last night I went to run an errand and no one was with me.  I wasn't even hungry but I found myself in the fast food drive thru throwing down two burritos like it was no bodies business.  I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!!!!  I wanted it because I was there, it was there and it simply is not something I have allowed myself in months. 
Here is the thing, I know when it started.  About a week ago I allowed myself to have a grown up weekend with my husband.  We had adult drinks, just a couple each nothing that made us shit faced or anything.  We relaxed, we enjoyed and then I fell hard.  I then allowed myself some candy with a movie, some crust with a pizza, a sugary coffee and the list goes on and since then I haven't been able to crawl out of the whole.  It just keeps getting worse and my old habits are haunting me. 
A lot of people would look at this and think "just don't do it, don't eat it"  but it isn't that easy.  BELIEVE ME I wish I could.  I wish it was just a matter of will power and personal strength but it is something else. Hell people, I quit smoking cold turkey and it was easier than this!! 
The struggle is not only real it is terrifying. 

It's a struggle

I am not a stupid person.   I know exactly what I need to do to be healthy.  I know how to treat my body, what to eat and where to get it.  I research.  I follow.  I EAT.  then I fall.  It's a struggle.  I have days where I do so well.  In fact this lately was the longest stretch that I have been good to myself in a long long time.  But when I fell it was a long long long hard fall that spiraled because I allowed myself to do what other said I should do, what other people said I needed to do. I "carb loaded"  and I let it consume me to the deep deep darkness of sorrow , pain, guilt and frustration.  At first I stopped it, I ate well after it and then there was a cookie....then there were 12 cookies, then eating out, stress and emotional pain.  It is still there.  It lingers.  
It's ever easy.
This is hard. 
I'm drowning in carb and sugar addiction.

The Carb Addict

When people think of addiction, they think of drugs, alcohol and the like.  I think there is a point that for some the thought of a food addiction is laughable.  It's food, right? Put it down, step away and jut say NO.  
Ever have something you wanted to happen and couldn't stop thinking about it? Remember that new jacket, new shoes or even that chinese food you craved for dinner last week?  Take that feeling of want, amplify it and then turn up the volume.  Add in some bad education ( thanks to the FDA) and some well meaning folk, then every other person out there who thinks they know the best about your diet and a dash of hope and there you have the carb addict.   HI there. 
I think I have struggled in some part with either my weight or my image most of my life.  I've always been "happy" with who I am.  I am a big girl but I am healthy ( insert evil laugh) .  I thought that for a long time until I realized it wasn't true.  Then I thought, well I am a women and I am in my prime of having children so what the hell is the point of losing weight if I am just going to have another child?  Then there became a point where none of the good stuff was even remotely true and my last pregnancy made me so sick I almost died.  So here we are.  I am here and I am learning.  I am in the beginning of my finding the healthy me journey.  I don't want to be skinny or a super model...but I bet the pay is good.  I just want to be me but healthy. 
I have started and stopped a hundred times before, a hundred facebook pages and a hundred different journeys to go along with the precession of thoughts that accompany all of that.  I am hoping to be a bit more productive this time under the guidance of my sure will and determination as well as the support of my beloved husband.  Though he offered me ben and Jerry's tonight.  ( we are working on what exactly encompasses the whole meaning of support) 
Wish me Luck!